Human Obsessiveness

            Why has everything got to be compulsively so hard? Why can’t a person live happily and be satisfied with the amount of work he is putting in? Maybe it is because of human expectations which never end and the jealousy which makes him want to achieve more and become better, better than the rest of the world. Why can’t people end this disorder of obsessiveness why is there no cure to this enemy which keeps on haunting them, grasping them by the neck and strangling them every moment that passes? Why is it so necessary in this world to feel like you are still lacking and not giving in all you have got, when all you want to do is not care and lie around boundlessly?

            Even I am stuck inside this hellhole of round and round expectations. My purpose is still unclear, yeah I am doing something ordinary which feels irrelevant to me but fuels the optimism of other people who seemingly are concerned about my undetermined future but I want to be unique and the hard truth is that not everyone can be winner and some people are meant to lag behind while others steal away the limelight from them. I am a disdainful loser and I was meant to be like this while people took away all the things that I truly desired and I am not a happy loser either, I burn from the inside I get jealous and angry. There are many things I wish I had done and there are many things I wish I could do but I am not even putting any efforts towards them. I just wait here for the miracle to come my way, I wait for the perfect moment which is going to enlighten me within a split second and I will overshadow my entity becoming better at reality than what can only be imagined in people’s most vivid fantasies and all I do is wait while others make their own moments as I am waiting for mine to come. I am too stubborn to work, to realize that this is what I am a failure I am too indulged in the entity called me to accept the fact that I am really not worth for the moment even if it is blindly thrown at me. I am not good enough to live the opportunity which others wait for in silence as they pray and beg their god for it and work hard each moment they are awake. I don’t even have a god or a motive I could believe in. Each arrow has a target but supposedly I was flown off into the air just to demonstrate how one can waste an arrow and so I soar through the cloudless skies indefinitely thinking now would be my moment of glory, whereas I fail to realize that sometimes there is no ulterior motive to an action sometimes there aren’t wrong moves made but actions done in order to prove how wasteful a person can be but I am not even that wasteful example for there is a purpose behind that too. I am purposeless and there is nothing I can do to make my purpose but just simply think that I am a prodigy which was meant to shine bright in the world.

            Belief is what makes a human weak, the belief of a better tomorrow, the belief of a better place, the belief of life after death, the belief of god, the belief of being better than the world, the belief of not fading away etc. I am not bound to these beliefs anymore, I have accepted myself and this is who I am. I am a man who was sent here without a purpose I am a man who had no prophecies. I am a man who can fade into the wind I am a man who will not leave behind his mark and I am a man who will keep striving till the very last to achieve a purpose so that the lines of destiny are betrayed and the world sees the marvel which I made of me. I am a jealous and self-obsessed narcissist who will try all his life and prove how good he can be even if he is only good at failing or rather nothing all his life. I am a man and I am not a good one, I am not even the evil one with a purpose I am just another one to mingle in the background of the story but I will not stop till I become the beloved protagonist or the feared anarchist. Till I am the legend others can look forward to or the dread they can hide from because life my friends is not a fairy tale and everything is not as soft as the clouds and none are the hearts warmer than ice, and yes I might not be able to achieve that because I am incompetent, remorseful and grieving over the failures of past and yes and I do not have any sense of the world and the efforts which are required to do that but still I will keep dragging myself forward with each day and keep hoping for a better future. And yes I might be as futile as a wasted thought right now but I will keep believing that I am better than all the rest wretched ones of you and I will get up each day from my bed and I will walk towards my ever changing destiny and I will keep believing that one day I will succeed and I will keep thinking that that is what I am meant to be, Successful.

            There is a lot to be discovered and there is a lot to be told and I will be the harbinger of joy which will incite you. I will be the god you seek and I will be the greatest narcissist you loathe and you might be so unfortunate to think that I am just a piece of dirt and even you could be where I am except you don’t want to be such a useless being while I am shining in the limelight spatting over your dreaded kind but I will still rise and pay you no heed and yes I will be the evil king you all hate and I will be the person you despise. I will be the evil person and I will be the hated person and I will be the one you call filth but I will be there in your mind murdering your expectations every passing moment while you silently weep to your pillow every night and I will be there in your head with my disgraceful smirk making you wonder why you could not be as infamous as me and in the name of god you will seek vengeance and in the name of pride you will incessantly hail imaginary gruesome deeds and plan despicable atrocities for me but you will not succeed not even in your best of lucidity. And maybe, maybe if you are worthy enough you will reach to where I will be and you will realize how good it feels when everyone hates you for what you are because their life was nothing but a failed lesson to the world.

Written By:

Atul Shrotriya