I took a pen
and looked at the paper kept in front of me, the light was dim but still the
four printed words on the top of the page urged me to write more. “What
happened with you?” was the question and I was more than eager to answer it
back. I clicked my pen open and began to write…
Once when I
was sixteen I fell in love and that was the greatest I could fall. Usually I
wasn’t a charmer but I don’t know how it happened that day in the town fair
that I could compel her to look at me and as I stood there mildly ignoring her
beauty; slowly I couldn’t help but myself turn towards her bewitching face and
smile back. It almost felt as if there was some magnetic force pulling us
closer. I waved to her, she waved back to me, her cheeks red enamoring her
extraordinary beauty and so we began. I walked up to her and asked her name
“they say the name of a person is not enough to know him but I say what’s the
harm in knowing, after all you have to begin somewhere. So what is your name?”
I said “so they say, but I think you should carefully choose what you want to
know and whether the information is of use to you or not. I am Priya by the
way.” She replied without looking up. “Well such a beautiful name intrigues me
to enquire more. And you never know what’s useful until you finally know it. I
am Raj” I replied in a light tone “my mum is here it was nice seeing you” she
replied and she slowly walked away looking back and smiling at me and I was
smiling back at her we were looking like a couple of idiots. I thought about
her for a few weeks, and then one day at the market fortune plunged us into
each other’s lives just staring at one another unable to find a way to confront
ourselves. That was the end of our meeting the bad thing was I couldn’t talk to
her more, the good thing I got to figure out where she lived. Soon all of my
ways were commuted to a street on the side of which her house was. I didn’t
even notice that I crossed nearly half the town to walk past her house and it
amounted 8 kilometers of extra walking for every trip. Sometimes I saw her face
peeking out of the window sometimes I walked in vain. Sometimes I could enrich
my memories with her various actions sometimes I wasn’t so lucky to be. So one
day as I was walking past her house, my eyes transfixed on the window bars that
someway I might be able to see the glimpse of her beautiful face from between
them a piece of paper flew out and fell before me I picked it up being as
unsuspicious as I could be. I walked home in silence and when found myself alone
quickly opened the letter. Inside it in the neatest handwriting she had written
her feelings to me her writing was a bit small but it was freakishly addictive
as I couldn’t tell why it felt like the best calligraphy in the world to me. I
began reading.
18th July,
To Raj,
I don’t know you too
much, but what I know is either you are someone very special or someone very
disturbing. I don’t know what you think about me. Maybe it’s in my mind but I
think you pass from in front of my house deliberately to see me. Maybe I am
wrong. Maybe you’re just another normal person and I’m just imagining things, I
hope you are not just another guy.
I don’t know what has
happened to me but there is a special way I feel about you. I won’t call it as
love as I know you too little to be falling in love with you, I could say it is
general attraction. I’m afraid you may have some other girl in you life. I
don’t know I just don’t I just want you to be to be there for me. And maybe
it’s my over-expecting self but in a corner of mind, I am praying the whole
time that when you pass my window it’s because you feel special about me…
I can’t tell you what I
want to conclude ‘cause I myself don’t know what I am doing or what I want. I
don’t want you to care for me, I don’t want to know you more, I don’t want to
spend time with you I don’t want you to respond. What I want is you passing in
front of my house, your eyes looking towards my window and me knowing you are
another guy who has fallen for me. And smiling over the fact that I have absolutely
nothing to give you in return, no responsibilities, no commitment just enjoy
you loving me madly unconditionally. I think I get it now; I am an idiot and
self obsessed girl who finds it amusing to misdirect boys after her and likes
to think she’s beautiful. Yes that’s what I am; some go and flatter themselves
in front of a mirror this is my way of knowing how beautiful I am.
I don’t know why I am
telling you this because I know that after reading this you’ll never want to
see me again but I don’t know why I also don’t think of you as any other guy
and hence thought it’s be best to let you know what’s really in my mind instead
of anything else. I don’t want to keep anything hidden from you…
Priya (we met at the fair,
in case you have forgotten me)
I had read the
letter over a hundred times before I could decide what to do next. I decided if
she felt good to know that I was madly in love with her but she didn’t want to
promise me back anything in return then so be it, I’ll walk past her house
every day twice without hoping to even get a response from her, seeing her face
will be enough motive for me. So for the next four months I walked past her
home every day without fail then one day I got one more letter demanding what
was going on my mind and who I was to be explained on a piece of paper and
threw at her balcony the next day at 5p.m. I soon replied back with truth and
before we knew it, we were in love. I remember how we used to go sit by small
ponds or streams and under trees wondering about a nice future together. I
remember sleeping in her lap, I remember staring at her lips as she went on and
on about various things, I remember her smile and her delightful smell as I
held her tightly in her arms and slowly whispered in her ear telling her how
much I loved her. I can’t describe exactly but she smelled of lily and sandal
and a bit of rose along with her smell as well. I can’t describe how beautiful
she was not whole of it at-least she was soft, soft as silk she had big beady
eyes in which anyone could easily get lost and I often merrily found my soul
enjoying merging with her ecstatic beauty. Her forehead well I had kissed it
like a million times but still can’t quite comprehend why I couldn’t press away
those folds on it whenever she was scared, her cheeks were soft and fair and
often when she blushed, they appeared to be pink and she felt too beautiful to
be true at the moment like a soft bubble dream which bursts out unraveling
harsh world when disturbed slightly, so I just loved watching her silently as
she blushed and smiled thinking it can’t be a dream for no mind in the universe
can establish such beauty on it’s own however brilliance of may have proved to
be. She often cried when in distress and I remember many times I took her face
in my hands with kid gloves and as my palm cupped around her cheeks she burst
out crying even more bitterly and I stood there like an idiot unable to console
her. Often I would rest my forehead on hers; my nose touching hers and both of
us would find ourselves breathing heavily maybe trying to let out the fear and
pain in out hearts or maybe it was love. Her hair was always neatly tied and
whenever she opened them I could swear she looked the most beautiful person on
the planet. She was truly gorgeous. She was a simple girl with extraordinary
beauty but I could never figure her mind out truly. All the time she talked how
we would spend the rest of our lives together and how we would name our
children, she also had decided the color for our house walls, pink her favorite
color. On the other hand she wasn’t brave enough to tell about our relation to
her parents. She told me how much she loved me and cares for me but often acted
in a fickly manner irritating me with her interest in different boys. I
couldn’t quite figure out what was on her mind one day she’d swear to never
leave me and told me that she would die for me, few days later she’d be ready
to leave me in an instant. On one hand she committed to not be influenced by
anyone and tells me that she really cared for me but believed in any other inconsiderate
prick which were often her friends as soon as she heard something about me
often we’d fight over this resulting in her leaving me and then I had to
consolidate her. I mean she told me she loved me, but her action seemed like
she was just happy to have another fool after her. Like I was just like a puppy
for her.
Her family was
another thing I could never figure out. Nor I want to waste my time thinking
about such people that’s all I have to say about them.
Senior
Secondary School exams were over by now and we had nothing to do but think
about each other. I remember laying all day on my bed thinking about her and
the past year and a half that we had spent together. Often we’d meet, in the
wide grasslands and behind trees and it all felt like a fairytale to me. Every
action of ours was decided by letters she’d throw out one as I was passing by
and tell me when and where to meet or simply tell me when to throw back a
letter for her. I remember the last time I met her, it was evening. I looked in
her eyes, they were filled, filled with love and I could see how much she loved
me. The love was more than one could imagine. I just stood there, with her face
cupped in my hands, slowly absorbing the radiance of her beauty. Oh it was
beautiful, the most beautiful moment of my life and for a split second I just
felt perfect. Soon she took a deep breath, not a word did she say nor did I
open my mouth. I just stood there, mesmerized then slowly she came closer to my
face her eyes looking into mine and I could see my world in her eyes. Then she
closed her eyes and I felt something touch my lips, before I could think my
eyes were shut own their own. Slowly I inhaled her breath as I felt her lips with
mine…
I exactly
remember her last letter…
31st May,
To Raj,
I don’t know what has
took over my parent’s minds they are marrying me. It’s like they don’t care for
me anymore. I mean I’m just a child and I don’t want to get married! I don’t
know what to do. I just can’t think of anything, anything that could convince
and stop them from doing this to me… Please help me; you’re the only person
whom I trust now. Franticness has overwhelmed all other expressions I could
earlier expose. Seems like I am in a horror dream and stuck at an impasse where
everything I love or believe in is demolished and the debris only establishes
way to exquisitely placed agony which won’t heed whatsoever I may beck at my
destiny. Sometimes I think maybe this isn’t so hard to end, I mean yeah life is
a bitch but you don’t need to keep up with bitches forever if it bothers you.
You know there’s always this second option drifting in front of my eyes. I
don’t know anything anymore. Just hope you to be happy and me being there with
you in every moment of your life. I just hope and hope… just to see how much
can one be turned down and suffering plays over my patience but still thru all
this suffering I remember your face and suffer a lot more. Just wishing if only
I could be there with you, not in your mind but also in your cozy arms, not
only in your memories but in life originating another memory to live in…
Priya
The next thing
I remember is standing before her gate, ready to talk her parents into what
could possibly be best for her. As I knocked on the door with immaculate fear
rushing in my veins waiting for a pleasant face to show up with some benignity
I learned how she had mentioned about hopes failing in her letter. Before me
was a man of middle age, large built and above average height, his face looked
fierce and unmerciful shrinking back my motives a bit the only advantage I had
was of my height. With crossed hands across his chest he looked in my eyes and
barked “yes” it was the harshest tone and grumpiest voice I’d ever heard in my
life it was like meeting devil for a job interview. “May I come in? I want to
talk to you about Priya” I quietly let loose of my mouth. “What about her? Tell
me here only” he commanded in a harsh growl with pitch slightly raised to
probably dominate the rest of conversation. This messed with my head a bit so I
turned to my other leg bent a bit forward and in the most smug way murmured in
his ear “think again, are you sure” god the expression on his face was
hilarious like the devil had just farted loudly at a funeral. I could’ve fell
off laughing if this were any other day his face looked like shit. Slowly he
composed himself and took his arm to my back and nearly pushed me in saying
“come inside quickly, I don’t have much time” I looked around and sunk into the
cozy sofa I could locate “so how is she?” I asked “skip the chitchat brat just
come to the point you wanted to talk about” his retorted answer took me by
surprise “could you be a little more courteous please?” I asked him “you don’t
get to tell me what to do in my house” he literally barked. “Well then I heard
you were marrying her” I asked coming straight to the point “none of your
business. Is that all?” he said with angry eyes “maybe I should come back at a
more appropriate time” I was finally backing out if it was a plan of his it was
perfectly working out. “Then make sure you don’t come at all” he shouted as I
got up to leave from the corner of my eye I saw Priya standing behind the
curtain “alright then! Look I love her and she loves me. Now it is likely for
you to not approve of this love concept because what I see you are way more
conservative than humans are maybe you have some authority disorder but as you
said that’s none of my business what my point is I’ll do whatever it takes to
keep her happy and if there is anything I can do to please you I’d go to hell
and come back if you command me.” My voice was loud and I could see its effect
on him as he shifted from one foot to another. “Make sure you reach home in one
piece” was all he said in a low voice and opened the gate for me to go out. “I
will come back and take her with me” I replied as I moved out. He didn’t reply.
Nothing
happened that day, or the day after that. I comfortably passed from in front of
her house without a hitch. I was looking at her window bars which now looked
more like a cage to me and her house reeked of emphatic character. Slowly
making my way through the dense air something hard pushed against my chest. I
looked in the front and slowly apologizing for me being blind in love and not
able to see any other person on the face of earth I spoke “sorry I wasn’t
looking. My bad” I said with a mild smile to the giant man standing in front of
me. “You sure don’t look where you step” he said with a wide grin on his face
and his devilish eyes sparkled as he analyzed me from top to bottom. His pan
smeared teeth standing out. I could’ve thought of him as a molester but right
now I wasn’t thinking about anything else than Priya. So I quickly ducked down
my head and made my way past him, “where do you think you are going” he said
putting a heavy hand on my shoulder… Before I could figure out anything, I was
down on the ground blood oozing out of various wounds on my body and kicks and
punches bursting out of nowhere soon I was like a battered pup wailing for
mercy. I remember all those people gawking at me in horror as I saw them with
half open eyes I remember Priya coming out of her home and running towards me
only to be stopped by her dad as he smiled in appreciation looking towards what
was supposed to be a pile of thrashed out loser or myself I could only make out
I was being sacked out of the scene as the people seemed to be going farther
away along with the houses…
Then something
strange happened, now I think people call it as adrenaline rush. What I
experienced was something hot running inside my body like suddenly my blood had
raised it’s temperature by 10 degrees my vision suddenly enhanced itself from
normal to HD and the feelings were all gone no pain, no worries, no remorse
nothing at all. My legs responded and in a speck of time I was back on them and
before even my own mind could realize it I had removed that man’s hand from my
shoulder and sent him down with a huge punch right on his left cheek next I
kicked him fiercely and kept on kicking him until someone came from behind I
noticed a rod and my hand went forward and snatched it next my hand swung in an
arc striking the head of the person behind me as soon as my legs kissed the
ground they sprang back up in joy the way a person shakes with happiness when he
knows he is about to kill his enemy, the reason for his anguish. Soon the fire
in my blood engulfed the rest around me. When I next came to senses I was
standing with a rod dripping with blood… Blood, blood so much blood and all I
could do was smirk, no hatred, no abhorrence, no joy, no pain, no regret, no
love, nothing just darkness and me. I looked around 7 giant men were gasping
for life trying hard to keep in touch with the last strings of life they held
with their pitiful hands and as for me I was nothing more than a mere oblong piece of wrath which held no meaning.
I was sitting
in my bed looking at the fan slowly revolving mimicking my implicit delusional
condition. Why delusional? Because I was in love, I was ready to give my life
and her dad was ready to take it, I thought there was still hope but somewhere
I knew hope is a word to console ourselves with thinking that a random turn of
events was related to our faith. We humans are a stupid pile of excuses
something bad occurs its destiny, if something good happens its faith and god.
My eyes were becoming drowsy when a kid came running in and handed me a paper.
I slowly opened it,
Come to river in an hour and bring your stuff. I am running away with
you.
From Priya.
A shine came
back to my eyes I explained everything to my mother. She bid adieu to me with
teary eyes and soon I was away on a new path a path of light leading away from
this dark place where the scant darkness will be the shadows of her beautiful
hair. I could go on and on about the happy place I was headed to but my
thoughts won’t alter the bitter reality that I could never reach that place not
in my dreams not in the afterlife. I waited for her for two days but she didn’t
come what did come were my mother begging me to come home with her and a
desperate father with a plea of reconsideration upon the thorny path I was to
take on and a parcel. ‘Priya weds Adityaraj, reception at 7:00 p.m. at grand
hotel. You are cordially invited, kindly do come.’ I read aloud with tears
flowing down my cheeks slowly I composed myself.
It was 12 in
the midnight and I went to my parents gave them a packet containing 10 kilos of
gold I had managed to take for killing 5 men I never saw before. Then my steps dawdled
towards the large canvas tent filled with happiness and joy frolic floating in
the air like a kid’s innocent truthful chuckle when he is truly happy and I was
filled with so much darkness and emptiness on this moonless night. The first
door was hard, there were four people sleeping on the bed, two children and
their parents. I slowly took out my sword hanging from my waist-belt with one
swing I stopped the harmonic proximity of truth and lies, happiness and grave,
and every other balanced factor of nature they call ‘Life!’ his blood rushed
out of his throat splashing across the walls with great artistic dignity a true
piece of art revealing the intimacies of pain his eyes shot open, his hands
clamped to his throat and as his eyes looked at me with a horrified expression
his query boring through my soul as I stood there looking at him attempting to
breathe and trying to shout and fail each time only to cling more closer to
death in order to suck in the last tidbits of life with his final breath, all
in vain as I saw him finally surrender to death then the same process kept on
repeating for another again and again. The last doorknob I turned exposed me to
a group of people among which I could faintly recall one looking like Priya
because if it were my Priya she’d be standing with me and so my rampage
continued. People were screaming and shouting screeching at the top of their
lungs as I slowly disrupted the connection between their nose and air sacs. Her
dad screamed “Devil! Why are you doing this? God will punish you!” there was
horror in his eyes and he knew his end was near “And what you did to me was
fair? Why do you even try? Look into your heart and you’ll realize you deserve
this” I replied back. She looked at me with horrified eyes as her own father’s
blood splashed across her face “why?” she asked as I swung my blade once more
knocking over her newly wed husband’s head off his shoulders although he had plenty
of time to save himself from the moment I entered the room but everything
happened so fast that his own body refused to react. “You ask why. Do you even
know how much I loved you? Do you even know how much I’ve suffered because of
you, and you sent me a wedding card instead of your heart. What do you expect?”
I shouted “I expected you to understand, to think like a human. But you never
loved me for if you’d have any love for me you couldn’t have hurt me this much.
Your love was not love it was a mere attraction.” She screamed back “A mere
attraction you say, a mere attraction wasn’t the cause enough to bring forth such
havoc for you, and a mere attraction wouldn’t have had such a trauma on me. I
wish it were a mere attraction that I had for you but both you, me and god
knows that I loved you for if it were a mere attraction I’d not want to kill
you this moment, I could leave you alive and you’d die each day in the memory
of this day, if I wanted to punish you that would’ve been the best way. You
expect me to understand what I understand is the person I loved, the person I
cared for and the person who meant everything to me turned her back on me when
I needed her. What I understood is no one understood me at all and so they are
all not worth living. I am hurting you because I want you to feel how it felt
to me the pain of losing a person who matters only so much to you that you
could die for them but I don’t want you to live with that pain forever I just
want you to acknowledge it for the sake of my love. A mere attraction… doesn’t
push you this far.” I said looked down at the floor.
End 1 of the
story:
My hands were
shaking and I wasn’t able to move. She took my hand and thrust the crimson
painted instrument of agony through her stomach. Slowly she took a step towards
me as it sunk even deeper into her body. “Why?” this time I was the one to ask
her “because I love you and after all I did to you maybe I…” she said with a
smile on her face, the slowly she left my hand and wrapped her arms around my
neck, looking into my eyes with the most lovely smile she and with love
brimming out of her eyes as tears she kissed me not to open her eyes ever again.
I looked at her face as it smiled at me even in death mocking my whole
existence and conscience as I now began to realize what I had done. I sat there
looking at her face crying like a baby, holding her in my arms. It seemed like
a lifetime and it has never passed, I still see her lying in front of me dying
and there’s nothing I can do. Blood, blood so much blood and all I could do was
smirk, no hatred, no abhorrence, no joy, no pain, no regret, no love, nothing
just darkness and me. And in this darkness there was one shadow I missed the
most, the presence of her. Like someone had took away my skin. The way a kid
feels on losing his candy, rich person after losing every penny, a padre after
he realizes there is no god, the same is the way a lover feels after losing his
love. Like everything is stripped away with such a great force that you
couldn’t even make out what hit you or how it happened. I wish this was a
dream, and I could wake up now but then I think even if I woke up under the
sweet shadow of trees on soft grass beside the river babbling over the rocks
creating the sweet melody of heaven there would be a child standing over there
with a packet in his hand and I’d go back to doing everything exact same way…
The way I regret.
I had dropped
my pen, my eyes were dry but my pain was beyond comparison to anything in the
world slowly I picked myself and walked through the familiar stone corridors
looking at the far end as the brightness grew and I paced up in a hope to enter
the place which still held meaning to me.
Three people
were sitting in front of me after they had stopped reading from the notepad
they raised their heads and looked at me with a worried expression. “Is that
all?” one of them asked “no, there’s much more to it. But I don’t expect you to
understand” I replied plainly looking at the barred window at my right side.
“We sure wouldn’t but do you think there is enough to your story so that you
could find reason in killing 112 people in cold blood? For a life of one person
do you think you can balance the lives of a hundred?” he asked again “No I
don’t think I can but against the wrath of one person I can surely balance the
equation given here. And believe it or not if you were me then you’d have done
the same” I replied as the clouds slowly moved in the sky “that’s no reason to
explain your crime and no I couldn’t kill even a single person even if I were
in your place and you in your young self destroyed the whole life of yours. I
am surprised after spending thirty years ” he replied curtly. Within the blink
of eye I kicked the chairs of the two people beside him they fell on the floor
with great force instantly flicking off their conscience switches as they
observed the stars revolving round their heads so closely. I jumped up and took
the middle one by his throat then kept on pressing not allowing him to breathe
he struggled taking a pen lying beside him ready to stab me when I held his
hand letting go of his throat. “And you said you couldn’t kill” I said to him
he looked down, ashamed as two guards rushed into the room from behind and
dragged me out by my arms. As I stared at him as he still gazed the concrete
floor took my file and wrote in big words over it ‘Psychotic’.
End 2 of the
story:
“Then for one
last thing I can say, I’d like to say. Go to hell.” She screamed “I will and so
will you for what we’d done to each other. Nor can I forgive you and I know you
can’t forgive me either, not in a hundred lifetimes. But what we had was love,
so everything is now fair.” I said and she looked at me with confused eyes as I
walked out of the room with her blood dripping from my blade.
But that was
the old me now I am a changed person. Most of all I’d like to change so many
mistakes I’d done in the past. I’d like to change everything. Change everything
the way I’ve changed myself the problem is I can’t.
I stopped
writing. Two men came in and took me by my chains. I entered a room and was
asked to sit down on a chair an old man came before me and asked for what I’d
written at times he’d look up from the notepad directly at me thinking how
could a person like me ever love someone. After half an hour he’d finished
scrutinizing the whole me through my story and his gazes he finally spoke “so
you loved this girl and so you killed 112 people?” his eyes still like before
piercing through my soul. “I believe so” I replied “you’ve been here for more
than thirty years, has that the reason which changed you? Are you finally at
peace with yourself and the world? Are you ready to move on?” he queried. “I
don’t know” I replied “although what you did back there was the biggest
massacre in history of the world but still when you say it was love, you gain a
lot of sympathy for what you suffered. But still I’d like to ask you after all
these years if you could go back in time to the day you killed all of them
what’d you do?” he asked “I’d try my best to convince her and be with me and do
everything I can to stop her.” I replied “and if you fail” he came closer his
eyebrows up “I’ll make sure that I don’t” I replied with a mild smile “what if
you do. Despite all of your efforts, fail.” Now his eyebrows were shooting at
the ceiling and I believe this was one of the most exciting moments of his
life. I slowly pulled myself closer to him and looking directly in his eyes I
snarled “then I’ll make her pay. I’ll make her pay so hard that the world
record of insanity which I hold right now would be set ten times high. I’ll
kill each of them slowly and slowly bleeding each of them to death, in the same
room right in front of each other’s eyes and I’ll make sure that each one of
them clearly sees and hears as their loved ones scream in pain and agony slowly
drifting towards death. Death, ha! I’ll do things to them that they’ll beg for
death they’ll cry and beg of me to kill them. And in the end I’ll kill her;
after she has seen her loved ones die helplessly just tied to a chair…” I
restored back to my chair as he pulled away his face his eyes wide open in
horror as he witnessed the fires of hell in my eyes the same way those people
had that night thirty years ago. “Yes that’s what I’ll do. That’s exactly what
I’ll do” I screamed as the guards swung their sticks at me. “Take him away. Go
away you devil!” he yelled back. Slowly he looked at my file in front of him and
with shaking hands and mind filled with horror wrote the most suitable comment
he could think of in sprawling words ‘Psychotic’.
Written
By:
Atul Shrotriya
