Miserable

There were no tears in my eyes, just sadness and a bit of loneliness but no confusion as I stood on the edge, ready to push me over. “Wait!” a voice came from behind as my body swayed for a while “why? When I know you’d try to convince me when I can’t be convinced?” I replied not turning back “But, you can give me a chance at least. To try” he replied. “There is a whole lot of world out there for me, I know. There are a million fetishes for me to enjoy, I know. But knowing everything, I feel like it’s a waste, not because I’ve given up but because I know it’s not worth trying” I stated. “Well, what’s the explanation for? I mean if you’re so convinced then why justify?” He asked “are you really that deranged or did you just attempt pathetically at stalling me? You stop a man about to jump off a cliff try to talk him into not doing it then ask him why he’s explaining himself. That could be a good joke on any other occasion my friend but right now, it’s just stupidly ironic” I replied. “Did you lose someone or something? I mean it’s pretty stupid to ask for you wouldn’t be here staring in the face of tranquility assuming it is bound over the epidemic otherwise but still” he said “well yes, I did lose someone an acquaintance of my soothing symphony of awakened posture, my only mate to be precise” I replied slightly tilting my head side-wards as I caught a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye “well how did she die? I mean you’re not doing this over a breakup sort of are you?” he asked trying to act light “well, I’m not so much wanderer on estranged paths so I know what is love and the extremity after which madness and foolish acts begin cursed upon by folly acts. She died peacefully, I killed her and I’m not saying this out of guilt due to a conscience which strikes me with the emotion that somehow my actions engendered her depart to the next world or anything but because I know how I stuck that knife in her stomach as she looked at me in my eyes ready to die peacefully. I’m not even sorry for killing her because I know she’d be there to welcome me on the far end” I replied. “You know, when I came here I too wanted to die like you for I was mistaken with the delusional thought that somehow I am the most miserable person on the face of Earth and death is the only solution possible or worth trying to embrace the serene infinity where I could find a meaning or wouldn’t need to find anything, but then I saw you and realized that you are far more pitiful than I could ever be and believe me, if you stay around for a while you too will discover another reason to live. I thought my wife was everything to me, I loved her so much and then I returned home today and in an instant I was told she was gone, forever. Far away than I could ever reach and you can’t even begin to imagine how much I loved her, so get off there before I come and push you myself” he spoke in a bit louder voice this time, I kept quiet for a second and then slowly sat down looking at the nothingness below me, the pull of gravity seemed too much strong to me and I could feel my soul slipping into perdition slowly like sand slips out from a clenched fist. “You know I couldn’t kill you, even if I wanted to even if I was about to die the next second after killing you for I’m not afraid of my scruples to drive me insane but because I can’t take away the gift of life from another person and you’re just throwing it away” he spoke again maybe my silence was pushing him haywire. I exhaled heavily and closed my eyes for a moment as I swayed but before I’d scatter my being into the swift air I wanted him to know something, “love you say, so simple isn’t it? Just an amalgamation of two simple syllables eh? Easy to claim but impervious to act when time comes. Losing a loved one is not the reason to die, I agree but what will I say to that stranger in the mirror when he asks me why I could not keep my promise? She was married to a man she didn’t love because of her family, their honor and their concepts everything for the society for what? She was happy at the beginning, or that’s what she put on her face as she entered the parties or what you may know as social gatherings which are nothing more than a mere way to flaunt one’s pride in front of the fellowship as everyone plays their role in the beau monde pretense. But slowly that mask of cherish cracked as she emerged from forged extradition craving the sweetness of immaculate affection, and no longer could she stay away from me, for she knew the address of love the paths she loved to stroll along did lure her back and I was more than happy to embrace her. She soon realized that the whims of this selfish world are not enough reason to keep her stranded from love in abhorrence of her own being, that she did not owe anybody anything but she did owe happiness to the kismet for giving her a chance to be human, a chance to love but she couldn’t find how to exscind all those strings another mortal being had attached to her meanwhile, her husband was a person with a new life and she meant everything to him, what she couldn’t do is take away his life without adequate reason for his viability still existed. Neither she could face her parents, for all their hopes, their plans or their fantasies which they had imposed on her under the banner of parentage, somehow she felt it was her duty to be the one to fulfill their dreams and it would have been quite idealistic and applaudable only if their dream would not have somehow resulted in snatching her existence away. There was another girl at her house, her younger sister and she worried what would happen if she did what she wanted to do the most, how her parents and the so called moral society would treat her, comparing her to her sister with drastic comments on every occasional opportunity they could squeeze out to demarcate her according to their despicable impelled dictations. Believe me, a belief leads to overwhelmingly accompaniment without thought of cause or facts which leads to biased thinking and results in forced implications which can be very dangerous. And I’m not being delirious, just being logical for that matter if you think upon it” I paused as I ran out of breath my face was red with anger and my eyes showed nothing else than rage “So, she took all of these things into account and asked me to kill her, erase all the proofs which may relate us in any ways, hence make it seem like a random murder burglary or anything but not like suicide due to affair. So I helped her evade this misery of life and now here I am to erase mine” I finished speaking and took a deep breath. “But, now, you’ve told me all of this so I might screw up with your plan. What’s your take on that Mr. I-am-so-genius?” he spoke for the sake of questioning, for trying to make me haul at him, I laughed a bit “You know you just said that, you couldn’t kill me whatever may be the reason, and now you are talking about how can I trust you for not destroying four innocent lives without reason you are a really hilarious persona Mr. I-won’t-let-him-jump” I replied as we both chuckled without so much of a joke in this dire epidemic, “You know, I even brought the knife with me which I used to kill her” I said as I pulled out a knife from my pocket, it’s blade glinted in light “Ankita Biswas… She was murdered” he said from behind, “Yep, that’s her name. They found her body pretty quick I must say, it’ll be all over the news by now I guess. I’ll be famous soon for they have to search for the murderer eh” I spoke lightly and then looked down again, slowly I kept tossed the knife sideways, it landed on a few meters away “but, I was talking about my wife” he spoke again and in I shot backwards to look at his face, he looked at me through watery eyes as he scrutinized my familiar looking face, he jumped and grabbed the knife and held me by my collar, it happened so quickly that I could do nothing but stare in shock. I kept looking at him in horror and grief as he thrust the knife in my stomach, I could feel the pain and blood gushing out as I winced in pain. I laughed as my heart started beating slower with each beat “and you said you couldn’t kill me” I said looking at him through mocking eyes “I’m sorry for what I did to you; I know you can’t forgive me but I’ll pray that you get over this. Thanks for sending me back to her. She didn’t love you anyways so one way or another you had to stumble across the ludicrous reality you were stuck into. Grotesque isn’t it, the way we discover things” I said as his eyes flared at me. After a short while I closed my eyes as he let me go to nestle in the hopefulness of death they condemned with dreary. He stood there for a few moments with tears flowing down his cheeks as he sunk down on his knees. Then he took the bloody knife in his hand and purged himself of the bindings he held to this extravaganza called life. As he gasped for air on his knees, a few people came running to him, as they saw him writhing on the ground “wait, don’t…” he tried to speak but couldn’t complete. As he was being loaded in the ambulance a policeman came running to him from the police van standing beside, “Ajay Biswas?” he asked him “yes that would be me” he replied exhaustedly “I just received confirmation on the wireless that they have found the man who shot your wife” he told me. “No you can’t I just… Did you just say my wife was shot?” he asked and his eyes widened in shock as he realized how miserable he was.

Written By:

Atul Shrotriya

Amaanat

 “We want justice! We want justice!” I shouted in anger, with vivid banners and a thousand flames following me, depicting my thoughts as we carried forward the candle march with pride, authority and duty of being a human. ‘A 23 year old girl was raped yesterday in Delhi in a bus, by 6 demonic monsters shaped like men. She was returning with a friend at roughly 9 p.m. in the night, as a few of them commented rashly over her, he confronted them and they threw him out of the running bus and raped the girl one by one finally ramming a rod in her vagina and throwing her out of the bus naked and helpless. The dreaded situation was horrifically amplified by the facts that no one noticed the abhorrent bus as it ran through the city stopping at signals and no one came to help the girl as she lay there suffering. Really a shameful event for the whole nation’ the newspaper read and hence the idea of justice was infused in our minds. Some wanted a death penalty for the accused men while other favored to torture them ravaging their spirits to the length where they could not make out the difference between pain and any other emotion they ever knew of. Dying painfully is easier than living shamefully, and that’s exactly what I wanted to prove to those criminals against humanity. Everyone was dressed in black with anger or sadness sprawling across each face but as we marched across a shop there was a group of guys looking at our way, one of them with a cigarette in his hand laughed and commented “they pretend they are doing good for the country, such a waste of time trying to show off” his companions joined him too in his laughter, I scoffed at his petite thinking “such jerks are the reasons behind these shameful events which blot the nation’s image” I said to my girlfriend walking beside me motioning in their direction.

Rally was about to end when my cellphone rang it was my mom, “hello” I said picking up the phone, “beta, come home urgently, there is a problem come as quickly as possible” she screamed on the other edge. I realized the gravity of situation and ran to my bike “I have to go, something’s come up” I mimed to my girlfriend as I saw her confused expression. As I sped through the roads, imagining various things that could’ve happened, as I passed through Chandani Square, I heard a scream from the corner the whole market was empty because everyone had gone to the rally, for a second I thought the possibility of some potential unjustness but then I had no time to waste and moreover people were nowadays bent on trying every prank they could find to irritate the general public, so I drove on speeding faster desperate to reach home in time. As I reached home, I found my mother on the gate with cellphone in her hand and sweat on her forehead, in a worried tone she spoke “your sister called about 5 minutes ago, she was saying that there were some guys stalking her as she was returning from the coaching, she’s at Chandani Square where the…” before my mother could complete her sentence I started my bike and took off again, my heart was beating fast with each breath I took, cursing myself for not checking up on that place and how that could’ve been my sister, my head was throbbing badly with all these thoughts but still, I kept speeding.

I called my sister’s phone, I could hear it ring but she didn’t pick it up, tears were running down my cheeks as I drove madly across each and every corner I could find shouting her name like a mad dog, then she picked up my phone and in a broken and shaky voice she spoke to me “bhaiya, come on the road behind Paalki Petrol Pump” and disconnected the phone. I saw her standing as I stopped my bike and ran up to her, I looked at her for a second, she had a piece of glass tightly clenched in her hand, the glass piece had pierced her hand also and blood was flowing out, she didn’t look at me but kept staring blankly at the man lying a few meters away, he was bleeding heavily. I hugged her tightly in my arms as I thanked god again and again in my mind. She broke into sobs as she cried and pushed me apart I looked at her confused, she went forward and sat beside the man, “I don’t want him to die, bhaiya” she spoke through her tears “I’ve already called the ambulance but they are taking so much time to come, please do something bhaiya, please” she cried bitterly as tears flowed down her cheeks, I kept looking at her, trying to conclude whether this guy was the savior or the martyr and if she wanted to save him due to gratitude or the basic fear of killing a person. She turned him around and my eyes widened with rage as I realized it was the same guy from earlier who commented upon our rally as showoff and unnecessary, but then she took his head in her hands as if caringly, “do you know him?” I finally asked my sister sitting beside her as I called 108 again and again but they kept on putting me at hold. “No, there were 3 guys who were following me from the coaching, I called mom and told her about them, I tried calling you but you phone was out of reach, then my cellphone lost signal as I entered here and one of them grabbed my hand, I screamed but no one came instead of him, he tried talking but they weren’t ready to listen and they had cricket bats in their hands, they warned him to leave but he didn’t. He stood for my honor and so they beat him to the ground again and again as he stood up against them each time, he injured badly one of them, so scared by this, they ran off and he wasn’t able to pick himself again” I looked at his face and realized how much right he was, he didn’t have any expression of pain on his face just remorse that he couldn’t stand up more long.

As we were taking him to the hospital in ambulance, he was fighting with death and life while doctors tried to save him with various equipment they had. His cellphone in his pocket rang I took it out ‘MOM’ the letters flashed on the screen, I picked it up but before I could say anything the woman on the other edge blurted “Beta, I called you half an hour ago, you said you were on your way back. Don’t you realize how serious this is? Your dad had a stroke and we’re now Pragati Hospital, please come as soon as possible beta, why aren’t you saying anything?” her voice was broken and I could tell she was crying I was shocked as I realized how much of a great man this person, she needed an answer quick but I didn’t know how to speak…

This story is dedicated to that unfortunate girl. Hope she gets well soon.

Written By:

Atul Shrotriya

Psychotic

I took a pen and looked at the paper kept in front of me, the light was dim but still the four printed words on the top of the page urged me to write more. “What happened with you?” was the question and I was more than eager to answer it back. I clicked my pen open and began to write…

Once when I was sixteen I fell in love and that was the greatest I could fall. Usually I wasn’t a charmer but I don’t know how it happened that day in the town fair that I could compel her to look at me and as I stood there mildly ignoring her beauty; slowly I couldn’t help but myself turn towards her bewitching face and smile back. It almost felt as if there was some magnetic force pulling us closer. I waved to her, she waved back to me, her cheeks red enamoring her extraordinary beauty and so we began. I walked up to her and asked her name “they say the name of a person is not enough to know him but I say what’s the harm in knowing, after all you have to begin somewhere. So what is your name?” I said “so they say, but I think you should carefully choose what you want to know and whether the information is of use to you or not. I am Priya by the way.” She replied without looking up. “Well such a beautiful name intrigues me to enquire more. And you never know what’s useful until you finally know it. I am Raj” I replied in a light tone “my mum is here it was nice seeing you” she replied and she slowly walked away looking back and smiling at me and I was smiling back at her we were looking like a couple of idiots. I thought about her for a few weeks, and then one day at the market fortune plunged us into each other’s lives just staring at one another unable to find a way to confront ourselves. That was the end of our meeting the bad thing was I couldn’t talk to her more, the good thing I got to figure out where she lived. Soon all of my ways were commuted to a street on the side of which her house was. I didn’t even notice that I crossed nearly half the town to walk past her house and it amounted 8 kilometers of extra walking for every trip. Sometimes I saw her face peeking out of the window sometimes I walked in vain. Sometimes I could enrich my memories with her various actions sometimes I wasn’t so lucky to be. So one day as I was walking past her house, my eyes transfixed on the window bars that someway I might be able to see the glimpse of her beautiful face from between them a piece of paper flew out and fell before me I picked it up being as unsuspicious as I could be. I walked home in silence and when found myself alone quickly opened the letter. Inside it in the neatest handwriting she had written her feelings to me her writing was a bit small but it was freakishly addictive as I couldn’t tell why it felt like the best calligraphy in the world to me. I began reading.

18^th July,

To Raj,

I don’t know you too much, but what I know is either you are someone very special or someone very disturbing. I don’t know what you think about me. Maybe it’s in my mind but I think you pass from in front of my house deliberately to see me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you’re just another normal person and I’m just imagining things, I hope you are not just another guy.

I don’t know what has happened to me but there is a special way I feel about you. I won’t call it as love as I know you too little to be falling in love with you, I could say it is general attraction. I’m afraid you may have some other girl in you life. I don’t know I just don’t I just want you to be to be there for me. And maybe it’s my over-expecting self but in a corner of mind, I am praying the whole time that when you pass my window it’s because you feel special about me…

I can’t tell you what I want to conclude ‘cause I myself don’t know what I am doing or what I want. I don’t want you to care for me, I don’t want to know you more, I don’t want to spend time with you I don’t want you to respond. What I want is you passing in front of my house, your eyes looking towards my window and me knowing you are another guy who has fallen for me. And smiling over the fact that I have absolutely nothing to give you in return, no responsibilities, no commitment just enjoy you loving me madly unconditionally. I think I get it now; I am an idiot and self obsessed girl who finds it amusing to misdirect boys after her and likes to think she’s beautiful. Yes that’s what I am; some go and flatter themselves in front of a mirror this is my way of knowing how beautiful I am.

I don’t know why I am telling you this because I know that after reading this you’ll never want to see me again but I don’t know why I also don’t think of you as any other guy and hence thought it’s be best to let you know what’s really in my mind instead of anything else. I don’t want to keep anything hidden from you…

Hope you haven’t forgotten my name.

Priya (we met at the fair, in case you have forgotten me)

I had read the letter over a hundred times before I could decide what to do next. I decided if she felt good to know that I was madly in love with her but she didn’t want to promise me back anything in return then so be it, I’ll walk past her house every day twice without hoping to even get a response from her, seeing her face will be enough motive for me. So for the next four months I walked past her home every day without fail then one day I got one more letter demanding what was going on my mind and who I was to be explained on a piece of paper and threw at her balcony the next day at 5p.m. I soon replied back with truth and before we knew it, we were in love. I remember how we used to go sit by small ponds or streams and under trees wondering about a nice future together. I remember sleeping in her lap, I remember staring at her lips as she went on and on about various things, I remember her smile and her delightful smell as I held her tightly in her arms and slowly whispered in her ear telling her how much I loved her. I can’t describe exactly but she smelled of lily and sandal and a bit of rose along with her smell as well. I can’t describe how beautiful she was not whole of it at-least she was soft, soft as silk she had big beady eyes in which anyone could easily get lost and I often merrily found my soul enjoying merging with her ecstatic beauty. Her forehead well I had kissed it like a million times but still can’t quite comprehend why I couldn’t press away those folds on it whenever she was scared, her cheeks were soft and fair and often when she blushed, they appeared to be pink and she felt too beautiful to be true at the moment like a soft bubble dream which bursts out unraveling harsh world when disturbed slightly, so I just loved watching her silently as she blushed and smiled thinking it can’t be a dream for no mind in the universe can establish such beauty on it’s own however brilliance of may have proved to be. She often cried when in distress and I remember many times I took her face in my hands with kid gloves and as my palm cupped around her cheeks she burst out crying even more bitterly and I stood there like an idiot unable to console her. Often I would rest my forehead on hers; my nose touching hers and both of us would find ourselves breathing heavily maybe trying to let out the fear and pain in out hearts or maybe it was love. Her hair was always neatly tied and whenever she opened them I could swear she looked the most beautiful person on the planet. She was truly gorgeous. She was a simple girl with extraordinary beauty but I could never figure her mind out truly. All the time she talked how we would spend the rest of our lives together and how we would name our children, she also had decided the color for our house walls, pink her favorite color. On the other hand she wasn’t brave enough to tell about our relation to her parents. She told me how much she loved me and cares for me but often acted in a fickly manner irritating me with her interest in different boys. I couldn’t quite figure out what was on her mind one day she’d swear to never leave me and told me that she would die for me, few days later she’d be ready to leave me in an instant. On one hand she committed to not be influenced by anyone and tells me that she really cared for me but believed in any other inconsiderate prick which were often her friends as soon as she heard something about me often we’d fight over this resulting in her leaving me and then I had to consolidate her. I mean she told me she loved me, but her action seemed like she was just happy to have another fool after her. Like I was just like a puppy for her.

Her family was another thing I could never figure out. Nor I want to waste my time thinking about such people that’s all I have to say about them.

Senior Secondary School exams were over by now and we had nothing to do but think about each other. I remember laying all day on my bed thinking about her and the past year and a half that we had spent together. Often we’d meet, in the wide grasslands and behind trees and it all felt like a fairytale to me. Every action of ours was decided by letters she’d throw out one as I was passing by and tell me when and where to meet or simply tell me when to throw back a letter for her. I remember the last time I met her, it was evening. I looked in her eyes, they were filled, filled with love and I could see how much she loved me. The love was more than one could imagine. I just stood there, with her face cupped in my hands, slowly absorbing the radiance of her beauty. Oh it was beautiful, the most beautiful moment of my life and for a split second I just felt perfect. Soon she took a deep breath, not a word did she say nor did I open my mouth. I just stood there, mesmerized then slowly she came closer to my face her eyes looking into mine and I could see my world in her eyes. Then she closed her eyes and I felt something touch my lips, before I could think my eyes were shut own their own. Slowly I inhaled her breath as I felt her lips with mine…

I exactly remember her last letter…

31^st May,

To Raj,

I don’t know what has took over my parent’s minds they are marrying me. It’s like they don’t care for me anymore. I mean I’m just a child and I don’t want to get married! I don’t know what to do. I just can’t think of anything, anything that could convince and stop them from doing this to me… Please help me; you’re the only person whom I trust now. Franticness has overwhelmed all other expressions I could earlier expose. Seems like I am in a horror dream and stuck at an impasse where everything I love or believe in is demolished and the debris only establishes way to exquisitely placed agony which won’t heed whatsoever I may beck at my destiny. Sometimes I think maybe this isn’t so hard to end, I mean yeah life is a bitch but you don’t need to keep up with bitches forever if it bothers you. You know there’s always this second option drifting in front of my eyes. I don’t know anything anymore. Just hope you to be happy and me being there with you in every moment of your life. I just hope and hope… just to see how much can one be turned down and suffering plays over my patience but still thru all this suffering I remember your face and suffer a lot more. Just wishing if only I could be there with you, not in your mind but also in your cozy arms, not only in your memories but in life originating another memory to live in…

Priya

The next thing I remember is standing before her gate, ready to talk her parents into what could possibly be best for her. As I knocked on the door with immaculate fear rushing in my veins waiting for a pleasant face to show up with some benignity I learned how she had mentioned about hopes failing in her letter. Before me was a man of middle age, large built and above average height, his face looked fierce and unmerciful shrinking back my motives a bit the only advantage I had was of my height. With crossed hands across his chest he looked in my eyes and barked “yes” it was the harshest tone and grumpiest voice I’d ever heard in my life it was like meeting devil for a job interview. “May I come in? I want to talk to you about Priya” I quietly let loose of my mouth. “What about her? Tell me here only” he commanded in a harsh growl with pitch slightly raised to probably dominate the rest of conversation. This messed with my head a bit so I turned to my other leg bent a bit forward and in the most smug way murmured in his ear “think again, are you sure” god the expression on his face was hilarious like the devil had just farted loudly at a funeral. I could’ve fell off laughing if this were any other day his face looked like shit. Slowly he composed himself and took his arm to my back and nearly pushed me in saying “come inside quickly, I don’t have much time” I looked around and sunk into the cozy sofa I could locate “so how is she?” I asked “skip the chitchat brat just come to the point you wanted to talk about” his retorted answer took me by surprise “could you be a little more courteous please?” I asked him “you don’t get to tell me what to do in my house” he literally barked. “Well then I heard you were marrying her” I asked coming straight to the point “none of your business. Is that all?” he said with angry eyes “maybe I should come back at a more appropriate time” I was finally backing out if it was a plan of his it was perfectly working out. “Then make sure you don’t come at all” he shouted as I got up to leave from the corner of my eye I saw Priya standing behind the curtain “alright then! Look I love her and she loves me. Now it is likely for you to not approve of this love concept because what I see you are way more conservative than humans are maybe you have some authority disorder but as you said that’s none of my business what my point is I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her happy and if there is anything I can do to please you I’d go to hell and come back if you command me.” My voice was loud and I could see its effect on him as he shifted from one foot to another. “Make sure you reach home in one piece” was all he said in a low voice and opened the gate for me to go out. “I will come back and take her with me” I replied as I moved out. He didn’t reply.

Nothing happened that day, or the day after that. I comfortably passed from in front of her house without a hitch. I was looking at her window bars which now looked more like a cage to me and her house reeked of emphatic character. Slowly making my way through the dense air something hard pushed against my chest. I looked in the front and slowly apologizing for me being blind in love and not able to see any other person on the face of earth I spoke “sorry I wasn’t looking. My bad” I said with a mild smile to the giant man standing in front of me. “You sure don’t look where you step” he said with a wide grin on his face and his devilish eyes sparkled as he analyzed me from top to bottom. His pan smeared teeth standing out. I could’ve thought of him as a molester but right now I wasn’t thinking about anything else than Priya. So I quickly ducked down my head and made my way past him, “where do you think you are going” he said putting a heavy hand on my shoulder… Before I could figure out anything, I was down on the ground blood oozing out of various wounds on my body and kicks and punches bursting out of nowhere soon I was like a battered pup wailing for mercy. I remember all those people gawking at me in horror as I saw them with half open eyes I remember Priya coming out of her home and running towards me only to be stopped by her dad as he smiled in appreciation looking towards what was supposed to be a pile of thrashed out loser or myself I could only make out I was being sacked out of the scene as the people seemed to be going farther away along with the houses…

Then something strange happened, now I think people call it as adrenaline rush. What I experienced was something hot running inside my body like suddenly my blood had raised it’s temperature by 10 degrees my vision suddenly enhanced itself from normal to HD and the feelings were all gone no pain, no worries, no remorse nothing at all. My legs responded and in a speck of time I was back on them and before even my own mind could realize it I had removed that man’s hand from my shoulder and sent him down with a huge punch right on his left cheek next I kicked him fiercely and kept on kicking him until someone came from behind I noticed a rod and my hand went forward and snatched it next my hand swung in an arc striking the head of the person behind me as soon as my legs kissed the ground they sprang back up in joy the way a person shakes with happiness when he knows he is about to kill his enemy, the reason for his anguish. Soon the fire in my blood engulfed the rest around me. When I next came to senses I was standing with a rod dripping with blood… Blood, blood so much blood and all I could do was smirk, no hatred, no abhorrence, no joy, no pain, no regret, no love, nothing just darkness and me. I looked around 7 giant men were gasping for life trying hard to keep in touch with the last strings of life they held with their pitiful hands and as for me I was nothing more than a mere oblong  piece of wrath which held no meaning.

I was sitting in my bed looking at the fan slowly revolving mimicking my implicit delusional condition. Why delusional? Because I was in love, I was ready to give my life and her dad was ready to take it, I thought there was still hope but somewhere I knew hope is a word to console ourselves with thinking that a random turn of events was related to our faith. We humans are a stupid pile of excuses something bad occurs its destiny, if something good happens its faith and god. My eyes were becoming drowsy when a kid came running in and handed me a paper. I slowly opened it,

Come to river in an hour and bring your stuff. I am running away with you.

From Priya.

A shine came back to my eyes I explained everything to my mother. She bid adieu to me with teary eyes and soon I was away on a new path a path of light leading away from this dark place where the scant darkness will be the shadows of her beautiful hair. I could go on and on about the happy place I was headed to but my thoughts won’t alter the bitter reality that I could never reach that place not in my dreams not in the afterlife. I waited for her for two days but she didn’t come what did come were my mother begging me to come home with her and a desperate father with a plea of reconsideration upon the thorny path I was to take on and a parcel. ‘Priya weds Adityaraj, reception at 7:00 p.m. at grand hotel. You are cordially invited, kindly do come.’ I read aloud with tears flowing down my cheeks slowly I composed myself.

It was 12 in the midnight and I went to my parents gave them a packet containing 10 kilos of gold I had managed to take for killing 5 men I never saw before. Then my steps dawdled towards the large canvas tent filled with happiness and joy frolic floating in the air like a kid’s innocent truthful chuckle when he is truly happy and I was filled with so much darkness and emptiness on this moonless night. The first door was hard, there were four people sleeping on the bed, two children and their parents. I slowly took out my sword hanging from my waist-belt with one swing I stopped the harmonic proximity of truth and lies, happiness and grave, and every other balanced factor of nature they call ‘Life!’ his blood rushed out of his throat splashing across the walls with great artistic dignity a true piece of art revealing the intimacies of pain his eyes shot open, his hands clamped to his throat and as his eyes looked at me with a horrified expression his query boring through my soul as I stood there looking at him attempting to breathe and trying to shout and fail each time only to cling more closer to death in order to suck in the last tidbits of life with his final breath, all in vain as I saw him finally surrender to death then the same process kept on repeating for another again and again. The last doorknob I turned exposed me to a group of people among which I could faintly recall one looking like Priya because if it were my Priya she’d be standing with me and so my rampage continued. People were screaming and shouting screeching at the top of their lungs as I slowly disrupted the connection between their nose and air sacs. Her dad screamed “Devil! Why are you doing this? God will punish you!” there was horror in his eyes and he knew his end was near “And what you did to me was fair? Why do you even try? Look into your heart and you’ll realize you deserve this” I replied back. She looked at me with horrified eyes as her own father’s blood splashed across her face “why?” she asked as I swung my blade once more knocking over her newly wed husband’s head off his shoulders although he had plenty of time to save himself from the moment I entered the room but everything happened so fast that his own body refused to react. “You ask why. Do you even know how much I loved you? Do you even know how much I’ve suffered because of you, and you sent me a wedding card instead of your heart. What do you expect?” I shouted “I expected you to understand, to think like a human. But you never loved me for if you’d have any love for me you couldn’t have hurt me this much. Your love was not love it was a mere attraction.” She screamed back “A mere attraction you say, a mere attraction wasn’t the cause enough to bring forth such havoc for you, and a mere attraction wouldn’t have had such a trauma on me. I wish it were a mere attraction that I had for you but both you, me and god knows that I loved you for if it were a mere attraction I’d not want to kill you this moment, I could leave you alive and you’d die each day in the memory of this day, if I wanted to punish you that would’ve been the best way. You expect me to understand what I understand is the person I loved, the person I cared for and the person who meant everything to me turned her back on me when I needed her. What I understood is no one understood me at all and so they are all not worth living. I am hurting you because I want you to feel how it felt to me the pain of losing a person who matters only so much to you that you could die for them but I don’t want you to live with that pain forever I just want you to acknowledge it for the sake of my love. A mere attraction… doesn’t push you this far.” I said looked down at the floor.

End 1 of the story:

My hands were shaking and I wasn’t able to move. She took my hand and thrust the crimson painted instrument of agony through her stomach. Slowly she took a step towards me as it sunk even deeper into her body. “Why?” this time I was the one to ask her “because I love you and after all I did to you maybe I…” she said with a smile on her face, the slowly she left my hand and wrapped her arms around my neck, looking into my eyes with the most lovely smile she and with love brimming out of her eyes as tears she kissed me not to open her eyes ever again. I looked at her face as it smiled at me even in death mocking my whole existence and conscience as I now began to realize what I had done. I sat there looking at her face crying like a baby, holding her in my arms. It seemed like a lifetime and it has never passed, I still see her lying in front of me dying and there’s nothing I can do. Blood, blood so much blood and all I could do was smirk, no hatred, no abhorrence, no joy, no pain, no regret, no love, nothing just darkness and me. And in this darkness there was one shadow I missed the most, the presence of her. Like someone had took away my skin. The way a kid feels on losing his candy, rich person after losing every penny, a padre after he realizes there is no god, the same is the way a lover feels after losing his love. Like everything is stripped away with such a great force that you couldn’t even make out what hit you or how it happened. I wish this was a dream, and I could wake up now but then I think even if I woke up under the sweet shadow of trees on soft grass beside the river babbling over the rocks creating the sweet melody of heaven there would be a child standing over there with a packet in his hand and I’d go back to doing everything exact same way… The way I regret.

I had dropped my pen, my eyes were dry but my pain was beyond comparison to anything in the world slowly I picked myself and walked through the familiar stone corridors looking at the far end as the brightness grew and I paced up in a hope to enter the place which still held meaning to me.

Three people were sitting in front of me after they had stopped reading from the notepad they raised their heads and looked at me with a worried expression. “Is that all?” one of them asked “no, there’s much more to it. But I don’t expect you to understand” I replied plainly looking at the barred window at my right side. “We sure wouldn’t but do you think there is enough to your story so that you could find reason in killing 112 people in cold blood? For a life of one person do you think you can balance the lives of a hundred?” he asked again “No I don’t think I can but against the wrath of one person I can surely balance the equation given here. And believe it or not if you were me then you’d have done the same” I replied as the clouds slowly moved in the sky “that’s no reason to explain your crime and no I couldn’t kill even a single person even if I were in your place and you in your young self destroyed the whole life of yours. I am surprised after spending thirty years ” he replied curtly. Within the blink of eye I kicked the chairs of the two people beside him they fell on the floor with great force instantly flicking off their conscience switches as they observed the stars revolving round their heads so closely. I jumped up and took the middle one by his throat then kept on pressing not allowing him to breathe he struggled taking a pen lying beside him ready to stab me when I held his hand letting go of his throat. “And you said you couldn’t kill” I said to him he looked down, ashamed as two guards rushed into the room from behind and dragged me out by my arms. As I stared at him as he still gazed the concrete floor took my file and wrote in big words over it ‘Psychotic’.

End 2 of the story:

“Then for one last thing I can say, I’d like to say. Go to hell.” She screamed “I will and so will you for what we’d done to each other. Nor can I forgive you and I know you can’t forgive me either, not in a hundred lifetimes. But what we had was love, so everything is now fair.” I said and she looked at me with confused eyes as I walked out of the room with her blood dripping from my blade.

But that was the old me now I am a changed person. Most of all I’d like to change so many mistakes I’d done in the past. I’d like to change everything. Change everything the way I’ve changed myself the problem is I can’t.

I stopped writing. Two men came in and took me by my chains. I entered a room and was asked to sit down on a chair an old man came before me and asked for what I’d written at times he’d look up from the notepad directly at me thinking how could a person like me ever love someone. After half an hour he’d finished scrutinizing the whole me through my story and his gazes he finally spoke “so you loved this girl and so you killed 112 people?” his eyes still like before piercing through my soul. “I believe so” I replied “you’ve been here for more than thirty years, has that the reason which changed you? Are you finally at peace with yourself and the world? Are you ready to move on?” he queried. “I don’t know” I replied “although what you did back there was the biggest massacre in history of the world but still when you say it was love, you gain a lot of sympathy for what you suffered. But still I’d like to ask you after all these years if you could go back in time to the day you killed all of them what’d you do?” he asked “I’d try my best to convince her and be with me and do everything I can to stop her.” I replied “and if you fail” he came closer his eyebrows up “I’ll make sure that I don’t” I replied with a mild smile “what if you do. Despite all of your efforts, fail.” Now his eyebrows were shooting at the ceiling and I believe this was one of the most exciting moments of his life. I slowly pulled myself closer to him and looking directly in his eyes I snarled “then I’ll make her pay. I’ll make her pay so hard that the world record of insanity which I hold right now would be set ten times high. I’ll kill each of them slowly and slowly bleeding each of them to death, in the same room right in front of each other’s eyes and I’ll make sure that each one of them clearly sees and hears as their loved ones scream in pain and agony slowly drifting towards death. Death, ha! I’ll do things to them that they’ll beg for death they’ll cry and beg of me to kill them. And in the end I’ll kill her; after she has seen her loved ones die helplessly just tied to a chair…” I restored back to my chair as he pulled away his face his eyes wide open in horror as he witnessed the fires of hell in my eyes the same way those people had that night thirty years ago. “Yes that’s what I’ll do. That’s exactly what I’ll do” I screamed as the guards swung their sticks at me. “Take him away. Go away you devil!” he yelled back. Slowly he looked at my file in front of him and with shaking hands and mind filled with horror wrote the most suitable comment he could think of in sprawling words ‘Psychotic’.

Written By:

Atul Shrotriya