Miserable

There were no tears in my eyes, just sadness and a bit of loneliness but no confusion as I stood on the edge, ready to push me over. “Wait!” a voice came from behind as my body swayed for a while “why? When I know you’d try to convince me when I can’t be convinced?” I replied not turning back “But, you can give me a chance at least. To try” he replied. “There is a whole lot of world out there for me, I know. There are a million fetishes for me to enjoy, I know. But knowing everything, I feel like it’s a waste, not because I’ve given up but because I know it’s not worth trying” I stated. “Well, what’s the explanation for? I mean if you’re so convinced then why justify?” He asked “are you really that deranged or did you just attempt pathetically at stalling me? You stop a man about to jump off a cliff try to talk him into not doing it then ask him why he’s explaining himself. That could be a good joke on any other occasion my friend but right now, it’s just stupidly ironic” I replied. “Did you lose someone or something? I mean it’s pretty stupid to ask for you wouldn’t be here staring in the face of tranquility assuming it is bound over the epidemic otherwise but still” he said “well yes, I did lose someone an acquaintance of my soothing symphony of awakened posture, my only mate to be precise” I replied slightly tilting my head side-wards as I caught a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye “well how did she die? I mean you’re not doing this over a breakup sort of are you?” he asked trying to act light “well, I’m not so much wanderer on estranged paths so I know what is love and the extremity after which madness and foolish acts begin cursed upon by folly acts. She died peacefully, I killed her and I’m not saying this out of guilt due to a conscience which strikes me with the emotion that somehow my actions engendered her depart to the next world or anything but because I know how I stuck that knife in her stomach as she looked at me in my eyes ready to die peacefully. I’m not even sorry for killing her because I know she’d be there to welcome me on the far end” I replied. “You know, when I came here I too wanted to die like you for I was mistaken with the delusional thought that somehow I am the most miserable person on the face of Earth and death is the only solution possible or worth trying to embrace the serene infinity where I could find a meaning or wouldn’t need to find anything, but then I saw you and realized that you are far more pitiful than I could ever be and believe me, if you stay around for a while you too will discover another reason to live. I thought my wife was everything to me, I loved her so much and then I returned home today and in an instant I was told she was gone, forever. Far away than I could ever reach and you can’t even begin to imagine how much I loved her, so get off there before I come and push you myself” he spoke in a bit louder voice this time, I kept quiet for a second and then slowly sat down looking at the nothingness below me, the pull of gravity seemed too much strong to me and I could feel my soul slipping into perdition slowly like sand slips out from a clenched fist. “You know I couldn’t kill you, even if I wanted to even if I was about to die the next second after killing you for I’m not afraid of my scruples to drive me insane but because I can’t take away the gift of life from another person and you’re just throwing it away” he spoke again maybe my silence was pushing him haywire. I exhaled heavily and closed my eyes for a moment as I swayed but before I’d scatter my being into the swift air I wanted him to know something, “love you say, so simple isn’t it? Just an amalgamation of two simple syllables eh? Easy to claim but impervious to act when time comes. Losing a loved one is not the reason to die, I agree but what will I say to that stranger in the mirror when he asks me why I could not keep my promise? She was married to a man she didn’t love because of her family, their honor and their concepts everything for the society for what? She was happy at the beginning, or that’s what she put on her face as she entered the parties or what you may know as social gatherings which are nothing more than a mere way to flaunt one’s pride in front of the fellowship as everyone plays their role in the beau monde pretense. But slowly that mask of cherish cracked as she emerged from forged extradition craving the sweetness of immaculate affection, and no longer could she stay away from me, for she knew the address of love the paths she loved to stroll along did lure her back and I was more than happy to embrace her. She soon realized that the whims of this selfish world are not enough reason to keep her stranded from love in abhorrence of her own being, that she did not owe anybody anything but she did owe happiness to the kismet for giving her a chance to be human, a chance to love but she couldn’t find how to exscind all those strings another mortal being had attached to her meanwhile, her husband was a person with a new life and she meant everything to him, what she couldn’t do is take away his life without adequate reason for his viability still existed. Neither she could face her parents, for all their hopes, their plans or their fantasies which they had imposed on her under the banner of parentage, somehow she felt it was her duty to be the one to fulfill their dreams and it would have been quite idealistic and applaudable only if their dream would not have somehow resulted in snatching her existence away. There was another girl at her house, her younger sister and she worried what would happen if she did what she wanted to do the most, how her parents and the so called moral society would treat her, comparing her to her sister with drastic comments on every occasional opportunity they could squeeze out to demarcate her according to their despicable impelled dictations. Believe me, a belief leads to overwhelmingly accompaniment without thought of cause or facts which leads to biased thinking and results in forced implications which can be very dangerous. And I’m not being delirious, just being logical for that matter if you think upon it” I paused as I ran out of breath my face was red with anger and my eyes showed nothing else than rage “So, she took all of these things into account and asked me to kill her, erase all the proofs which may relate us in any ways, hence make it seem like a random murder burglary or anything but not like suicide due to affair. So I helped her evade this misery of life and now here I am to erase mine” I finished speaking and took a deep breath. “But, now, you’ve told me all of this so I might screw up with your plan. What’s your take on that Mr. I-am-so-genius?” he spoke for the sake of questioning, for trying to make me haul at him, I laughed a bit “You know you just said that, you couldn’t kill me whatever may be the reason, and now you are talking about how can I trust you for not destroying four innocent lives without reason you are a really hilarious persona Mr. I-won’t-let-him-jump” I replied as we both chuckled without so much of a joke in this dire epidemic, “You know, I even brought the knife with me which I used to kill her” I said as I pulled out a knife from my pocket, it’s blade glinted in light “Ankita Biswas… She was murdered” he said from behind, “Yep, that’s her name. They found her body pretty quick I must say, it’ll be all over the news by now I guess. I’ll be famous soon for they have to search for the murderer eh” I spoke lightly and then looked down again, slowly I kept tossed the knife sideways, it landed on a few meters away “but, I was talking about my wife” he spoke again and in I shot backwards to look at his face, he looked at me through watery eyes as he scrutinized my familiar looking face, he jumped and grabbed the knife and held me by my collar, it happened so quickly that I could do nothing but stare in shock. I kept looking at him in horror and grief as he thrust the knife in my stomach, I could feel the pain and blood gushing out as I winced in pain. I laughed as my heart started beating slower with each beat “and you said you couldn’t kill me” I said looking at him through mocking eyes “I’m sorry for what I did to you; I know you can’t forgive me but I’ll pray that you get over this. Thanks for sending me back to her. She didn’t love you anyways so one way or another you had to stumble across the ludicrous reality you were stuck into. Grotesque isn’t it, the way we discover things” I said as his eyes flared at me. After a short while I closed my eyes as he let me go to nestle in the hopefulness of death they condemned with dreary. He stood there for a few moments with tears flowing down his cheeks as he sunk down on his knees. Then he took the bloody knife in his hand and purged himself of the bindings he held to this extravaganza called life. As he gasped for air on his knees, a few people came running to him, as they saw him writhing on the ground “wait, don’t…” he tried to speak but couldn’t complete. As he was being loaded in the ambulance a policeman came running to him from the police van standing beside, “Ajay Biswas?” he asked him “yes that would be me” he replied exhaustedly “I just received confirmation on the wireless that they have found the man who shot your wife” he told me. “No you can’t I just… Did you just say my wife was shot?” he asked and his eyes widened in shock as he realized how miserable he was.

Written By:

Atul Shrotriya